Derby Butt

Those of you who have known me for a while know that before my adventures in roller derby, I was doing an adventure in weight loss.  In the past 20 months or so, I've lost 95-ish pounds.  A lot.  At this point, I'm used to getting smaller, watching the scale go down, and having to buy smaller and smaller clothes, even if that's not happening as quickly as it did in the beginning.

Since starting roller derby, my priorities have shifted a bit.  Instead of keeping myself on a strict 1,500 calorie diet, I'm having to fuel my workouts by eating more.  I've been doing tons of strength training, less of my usual cardio (running or elliptical) and more skating.  I think it's working, because I feel stronger and slimmer, but the scale shows I'm gaining weight.  I'm probably the only girl out there who has gained weight since we started boot camp (ok, it's only 3 pounds...).  My pants, while they aren't complaining, are fitting me differently.  My thighs have always been the barrier between me and smaller jeans, and that's not changing.  Yes, they're getting rock hard, but they sure as hell aren't getting any smaller. 

I've given up the dream of my calves ever fitting into regular knee-high leather boots.  When I find the perfect pair, they will be wider for the more "athletic" calves.  That's right, my calves will not be getting any smaller either.

On to the derby butt...



Derby girls have the most amazing butts.  All of them, no matter what size they are.  Perfect, round, and muscular.  It's a sight to behold.  While mine is just in the beginning stages, it is definitely changing.  Squats, lunges, skating low, and I believe just striding, do wonders for the butt.  But no, my butt does not seem to be getting any smaller.

As positive as all of these changes are, it does require that I change my measure of success.  I'm adding muscle, so the scale is likely to rebel right now.  My thighs seem to have stopped shrinking, so size 6 jeans may not be in my immediate future.  Perhaps as my body adjusts to the abuse I'm putting it through, I'll get smaller in the right places, but for now my focus is elsewhere--balance, strength, crossovers, wall sits, planks squats.  It's probably a good thing too.  People who have lost a large amount of weight know that reaching their goal weight can be a disorienting feeling of "Now what?  Is that it?"  I hope to gradually glide into my happy weight/body composition and know that I've already moved on to bigger and badder things.

I'm Taking the Family With Me

Last week, Matt and I took the girls to the skating rink for their first time on skates, ever. We thought it would be best to start them out with some lessons, rather than just putting them on wheels and sending them off. I know that kids don't really need lessons to be able to learn new things, but we thought it might help with the frustration factor.

To be honest, I was really anxious, watching them fall on their butts over and over. No, I wasn't really worried that they'd hurt themselves, my anxiety was more out of hope that it would be something they could enjoy. These girls are really good at forming their own opinions about things and I was kind of worried that one or both of them would decide that they don't like skating. I have to admit that I was invested in them enjoying skating.

After that first 45 minute lesson, they were tired and their feet were hot. We left after that instead of staying for open skate.

The next day, we went back to the rink for a cousin's birthday part. I think the lesson helped after all, because the girls were instantly in skate heaven. We were there for almost three hours and even when we saw that their eyes were at half mast out of exhaustion, we still had to convince them that it was time to go. They're hooked. Their investment is different than mine, but now we're in it together. Not only that, but Matt now wants some skates and is setting a goal to do roller derby boot camp next year. He's intimiadated by our workouts, but has been following along with my home exercises to prepare himself for the ass kicking that he anticipates next year.

Kate's zombie stance (Braaaiiins!)

Molly working her derby stance, while Matt wishes he was on skates

Yes, obsession is contageous, and now I've got my whole family in it.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling with keeping my obsession a positive one. It's hard to keep my skill level separate from my self-confidence level. When I do well on the track, I feel great. When I don't, my confidence plummets. It becomes so much easier to focus on what I can't do than what I can do, and I bring myself down.

Everything about roller derby is so far outside my comfort zone. After a particularly bad string of self-depricating comments, Matt gave me one of his pep talks and reminded me that I've doing something I've never even come close to attempting before. This whole business of losing weight and getting fit...I've done that before. It's wasn't an easy task, but it was a familiar one. I've never been an athlete before. I've never been on a sports team or even wanted to be on a sports team. Someone recently asked me, is roller derby training hard? It's just about the hardest physical thing I've ever put my body through on purpose. Emotionally, it's not the hardests thing I've been through, but it is new and unfamiliar. I want this so badly that sometimes I put myself in a bad mood. That's not good.

Yesterday was one of those days. It's raining buckets and supposed to keep raining. That means no outdoor skating and no regular practice on our outdoor track. Under normal conditions, I would accept that Santa Barbarans have no place to complain about the weather. We have gorgeous weather all year, and when it rains, it's welcome. Except now that I want to skate. It turned my mood yesterday, even though I got to go to the rink and skate with the kids. I skated slowly alongside them, encouraging their zombie stance and used the opportunity to practice my derby stance (squatting position) the whole way around the track. I yearned for some speed, and made a couple of loops around the track on my own, but it wasn't the same as the ass whooping I normally get at practice. I'm an addict and I was without my fix. I ended up missing the alternatively scheduled practice in a conference room doing plyometrics, so I came home and did my own workout, but it just wasn't the same.

I went to bed last night still grumbling. Matt had me look up a list of the skills that I'll need to pass the assessments in a few weeks. It helped because I could see on paper that I am capable of doing most of the skills, even if I can't do the perfectly. There are a few skills that are just beyond my reach, but many of them are things that I can do with some accuracy. I felt better after looking at what I can do rather than what I can't.

I decided before going to sleep that today will be a better day. I will look for a covered parking garage where I can practice cross overs and some of the falls that I haven't done in a while. And if I can't skate today, I'm going to accept that too. I need to keep skating fun, and the kids are an excellent reminder of that.

Whip It!

To start out, I'd like to be honest about something.  Drew Barrymore's movie Whip It did NOT inspire me to try roller derby.  In fact, I didn't watch it until, after attending a bout in October, I scoured the internet for All Things Derby.  Yes, my first exposure to roller derby was the Mission City Brawlin' Betties v. Bakersfield Diamond Divas.  I left that bout thinking, "Those girls are rock stars.  I wish I could do that."

Last night we did whips.  It was just about the most fun I've had at practice so far, and I didn't suck at it horribly.  Whips are basically where you're transferring all of the forward motion of one skater into another skater (the jammer).  We also skated around trying to push each other down.  I loved it!

Reading over my blogs, I seem to be on a confidence roller coaster.  Practice is that way too.  Yesterday I was dreading practice, not because I'm afraid of falling or getting hurt, but because I don't like feeling like I suck.  All day, I thought to myself, "Why am I going to practice knowing that I'll leave feeling crappy about myself?"  Of course, I was wrong.  The feeling crappy about myself bit comes from me, not from practice.  Last night I left feeling pretty incredible.

I think what it comes down to is that I'm good at some things and not so good at others.  Duh, right?  Except that I'm used to being able to be good at whatever I put my mind to.  No, I'm not perfect by any means.  Far from it actually.  Some things just aren't worth putting my mind to and so I continue sucking at them.  But most of the time, when something matters to me a lot, I can at least eek out a reasonable amount of skill.  Skating is different because some of it requires muscles and flexibility I don't have yet, and some of the more agile moves are just beyond me.  I feel like my strength is in my ability to get low, engage my core, and stay stable.  I discovered that yesterday while doing pushes and whips.  No, I'm not a star pupil, but I was in my element.  I can't wait until we actually start blocking.  I think my hips were made for blocking.

We also did speed drills yesterday.  I'm not fast enough to pass assessments yet, but I was somewhere in the middle of the group.  Before I write about the speed drill yesterday, I have to share another story.

On Sunday, I went to a kids birthday party at the skating rink, and spent the whole time practicing.  It's awkward practicing skills that require me to fall in that kind of setting, because hardly anyone else is falling, but I did go down on a knee a few times.  Anyhow, when it comes to the organized races, I got off the track.  I did not need to embarrass myself like that.  Until my family started taunting me.  I saw my brothers in law get out there for the race, and somehow I decided that I needed to at least beat them.  Which I did :)  I finished somewhere in the middle of the group, not the fastest, not the slowest.  I did not do crossovers during the race because I'm not quite confident enough with them yet.  Part of the problem is that crossovers make me go so freakin' fast that I feel like I don't have much control over the turn.  I was proud of myself for getting out there though, and I didn't do a face plant like my brother in law did, hehe.

Anyhow, back to the speed drills.  We did as many laps as we could in 5 minutes.  At the end of the 5 minutes, I should have been spent, but I still had some energy left in me.  It's good to know that I've got endurance (running pays off!), but in order to go faster, I need to feel more comfortable on my feet, err, skates.  I need to feel like I have control over my turns even when I'm going fast.

I'm getting my family addicted to skating, but this blog is long enough already, and I'll save it for another blog.

Also, I should note that I learned how to change my blog settings and now anyone can leave a comment, even if you're not a registered user.  I love comments.  Just sayin'.

Ups and Downs

After Tuesday's practice and how invigorated it left me, I was really looking forward to practice yesterday.  A LOT. 

Before practice, Matt and I took the girls to the skating rink in Ventura for lessons.  I was more nervous than they were!  I really wanted it to be a good experience for them and was worried that they would be frustrated by falling or have expectations that they would be figure skating by the end of the lesson.  It was almost hard to watch, but they did great!  Each time they fell, they got up with a smile and kept going.  In retrospect, it doesn't surprise me.  Kids are good at falling and getting up, much better than grown ups are.

The experience left me with skating blue-balls though.  I brought my skate bag in case there was an opportunity for me to get some rink time, but it was just kids.  Instead we had lunch and headed back to Santa Barbara for my practice.

Perhaps it was just an off day.  I've had those with other forms of exercise before skating.  You know, a crappy run, a day when I can't lift as much as usual, a day when my heart rate goes through the roof for seemingly no reason.  Often it's because I've been overdoing it and haven't been resting enough.  Sometimes it's because I'm stressed out.  Sometimes it's because I haven't eaten enough.  I don't know what it was yesterday, but practice was incredibly frustrating.

True, we were practicing skills that I haven't practiced before, so I should give my body (and mind) a break.  But even with that in mind, I just didn't have the extra push that I had at last practice.  It was hot (75 degrees in December!) and sweat was flowing out of my helmet into my eyes.  Not just dripping--flowing.  It was gross.  I didn't see anyone else out there quite as gross and sweaty as I was.  I worried that someone would slip and fall in my pools of sweat. 

I made it through the two hours, but I was disappointed with myself.  Whether it was the heat or the crap food I ate, or just an "off day," it was disappointing.  It was the first time I felt like crying after skating, but roller girls don't cry (do they?).  I think the threat of tears was more out of exhaustion than anything else, because on the way home, I was able to list all the things that I'm proud of.  I'm proud that I did it.  I'm proud that I keep going, despite my ups and downs.  I'm proud of my jumps.  Although I did my share of whining, I'm proud that instead of sitting on the sidelines whining about how I can't do it, I call out for one of the Betties to help me understand what I'm doing wrong.  I'm proud that even if I can't quite get it, I'm closer to "almost getting it" than I was at the beginning.  It's improvement.

Today I'm going to a kids birthday party which happens to be at the skating rink.  After helping my girls get out and skate until they're tired, I'm going to practice the shit out of my moves.  Even if it means falling down in public a whole bunch.

I'm Back!

I'm back in Santa Barbara after an unplanned trip to Washington to spend time with family.  As I blogged before, I brought my skate bag and outdoor wheels with me and did my thing in an empty parking lot more days than not. One one occasion, I had both parents join me to see what I was up to.  Here are some photos from that.

Yesterday was my first day back to my routine and I wasn't feeling very chipper.  The week had been emotionally exhausting for me and my head wasn't quite on straight.  I muddled through my workday and didn't feel like my usual self.  I haven't been sleeping and I think that added to it.  I was also really REALLY stressed about getting back on the track for my first practice in what feels like a really long time.  In reality I think it was just two weeks, but a lot can happen in two weeks.  I somehow imagined that I would come back and all the other girls would have mastered all the skills that I was flailing at on my own.

Skating practice on my own is nothing like doing it with the group.  I try to push myself, but when the muscles start burning, I usually decide "that's enough for now."  With the Betties, my muscles are burning and the whistle is still blowing, and I keep going. 

Anyhow, despite feeling disoriented, distant, and doubtful, I went to practice.  IT.  WAS.  AWESOME.

Now I can't say that I came back being an awesome skater, but I found some confidence.  I fell a few times while warming up and the falls were nice and fluffy--no pain.  That kind of fall is good, because it reminds me that falling isn't quite as scary as I remember.  I practiced my stops and discovered that I can do a T-stop!  The stops are really hard to practice on asphalt with outdoor wheels, so I felt like a loser when I was trying to do them in my favorite parking lot, but back on the track, I could do it!  I'm still working on the plow stops, but I think I understand the mechanics of it now and just have to get my body to do it.

I practiced skating with a pack, weaving in and out of teammates (something that I was sure I wasn't ready to do yet), and speed.  I surprised myself by having the balls to try things that seemed way beyond my skill level, and actually being able to do it!  Not well, of course, but doing it well will come later.  I think that's what I was missing while I was gone--the ability to push past my comfort zone.

I left the track feeling alive and giddy.  Sweaty too, but mostly giddy.

I'll leave you with an old photo of me, I must have been about ten years old here, skating on the street in front of our house.

Devotion

There was a skating rink here in my hometown when I was growing up, and I spent many an afternoon skating my heart out to Survivor, Pat Benetar, and AC/DC. Sadly, the skating rink has since been turned into a church. I sometimes wonder if the concrete floor with the bumpy, flakey, blue paint is still there, underneath the pews and probably some carpet. I now refer to the skating rink as the holy roller rink, even though it is no more.

My devotion brought me not to a church, but a parking lot. It must be devotion, because nothing else would have brought me out in the damp, windy, 40-degree weather. I'm still in Washington due to a family emergency and have to make do with practicing on my own. The parking lot is actually serving me quite well. I use the parking spaces to practice weaving. I have an imaginary track made up of random paint markings on the ground. I practiced going around and around as quickly as I could without falling over. I also found a straightaway bike path where I could work on speed as well as dodging debris left by the winds.

The frustration I had the other day is dissipating. I am pushing on. I had a better practice today. Even though I don't feel like I am mastering any specific skills, I do feel like I'm all-around more comfortable on skates. I'll get this eventually.

Delays

Yesterday I made an unplanned trip up to Washington State to help out with a family emergency. Naturally, I brought my skate bag in hopes that I'll get some practice time, as I'll be missing practice for I don't know how long.

As it turns out, my hometown of Port Townsend has much better and much emptier parking lots than Santa Barbara. I managed to get some practice today but felt discouraged.

First of all, I'm discouraged that I'm missing practice, though I'm not the slightest bit regretful about my decision to come to Washington. We haven't had skating practice on the track for the past week and a half due to scheduling issues (apparently horse shows get priority over roller derby boot camp). I've done my best to get some practice on the side, but I just can't push myself the way the Betties can. There's no whistle, no Betties making suggestions about how to improve my form, and of course, no one practicing along side me. Our normal practices are two hours, but I'm struggling to practice skills on my own for more than 30 minutes.

Some of my frustration is that I'm so much more afraid of falling when I'm off the track. I don't know why this is. I was thinking it was because I don't want to fall publicly, but the place I found to skate here is rather private and I'm still afraid of falling. I fell deliberately a few times to make sure I knew that I could handle it. I handled it. But still, falling accidentally is stressful for me. I need to get over this, and quickly. I think part of it is that it's much harder to fall when I don't have the comraderie of all the other boot campers falling alongside me.

I'm getting the crossovers down, at least counter-clockwise. Are we supposed to be able to do it clockwise? I don't know. I need to get better at stops which is hard to practice on outdoor wheels with an only sort-of-smooth surface. I am struggling to roll on one foot. I can do it on my left foot, but not my right and it's pissing me off. I was doing tiny little jumps today and feeling more confident with it. I'm afraid to practice the "drunken sailor" move that led to my strained hamstring a couple of weeks ago.

Basically, I'm frustrated by my skill level and frustrated by my mind holding me back. I need to get over this, and it's an extra challenge to be trying to get over it by myself without the benefit of practicing with the Betties. I had a particularly whiny moment today when I wondered if I'm really cut out for roller derby. I know I'm dealing with a lot and I need to be patient with myself. I need to accept that I may not be ready to pass the assessments the first time it's offered; there will be future opportunities. I'm just going to keep doing what I can, practicing when I can, and doing my strength-training workouts.