I'm Taking the Family With Me

Last week, Matt and I took the girls to the skating rink for their first time on skates, ever. We thought it would be best to start them out with some lessons, rather than just putting them on wheels and sending them off. I know that kids don't really need lessons to be able to learn new things, but we thought it might help with the frustration factor.

To be honest, I was really anxious, watching them fall on their butts over and over. No, I wasn't really worried that they'd hurt themselves, my anxiety was more out of hope that it would be something they could enjoy. These girls are really good at forming their own opinions about things and I was kind of worried that one or both of them would decide that they don't like skating. I have to admit that I was invested in them enjoying skating.

After that first 45 minute lesson, they were tired and their feet were hot. We left after that instead of staying for open skate.

The next day, we went back to the rink for a cousin's birthday part. I think the lesson helped after all, because the girls were instantly in skate heaven. We were there for almost three hours and even when we saw that their eyes were at half mast out of exhaustion, we still had to convince them that it was time to go. They're hooked. Their investment is different than mine, but now we're in it together. Not only that, but Matt now wants some skates and is setting a goal to do roller derby boot camp next year. He's intimiadated by our workouts, but has been following along with my home exercises to prepare himself for the ass kicking that he anticipates next year.

Kate's zombie stance (Braaaiiins!)

Molly working her derby stance, while Matt wishes he was on skates

Yes, obsession is contageous, and now I've got my whole family in it.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling with keeping my obsession a positive one. It's hard to keep my skill level separate from my self-confidence level. When I do well on the track, I feel great. When I don't, my confidence plummets. It becomes so much easier to focus on what I can't do than what I can do, and I bring myself down.

Everything about roller derby is so far outside my comfort zone. After a particularly bad string of self-depricating comments, Matt gave me one of his pep talks and reminded me that I've doing something I've never even come close to attempting before. This whole business of losing weight and getting fit...I've done that before. It's wasn't an easy task, but it was a familiar one. I've never been an athlete before. I've never been on a sports team or even wanted to be on a sports team. Someone recently asked me, is roller derby training hard? It's just about the hardest physical thing I've ever put my body through on purpose. Emotionally, it's not the hardests thing I've been through, but it is new and unfamiliar. I want this so badly that sometimes I put myself in a bad mood. That's not good.

Yesterday was one of those days. It's raining buckets and supposed to keep raining. That means no outdoor skating and no regular practice on our outdoor track. Under normal conditions, I would accept that Santa Barbarans have no place to complain about the weather. We have gorgeous weather all year, and when it rains, it's welcome. Except now that I want to skate. It turned my mood yesterday, even though I got to go to the rink and skate with the kids. I skated slowly alongside them, encouraging their zombie stance and used the opportunity to practice my derby stance (squatting position) the whole way around the track. I yearned for some speed, and made a couple of loops around the track on my own, but it wasn't the same as the ass whooping I normally get at practice. I'm an addict and I was without my fix. I ended up missing the alternatively scheduled practice in a conference room doing plyometrics, so I came home and did my own workout, but it just wasn't the same.

I went to bed last night still grumbling. Matt had me look up a list of the skills that I'll need to pass the assessments in a few weeks. It helped because I could see on paper that I am capable of doing most of the skills, even if I can't do the perfectly. There are a few skills that are just beyond my reach, but many of them are things that I can do with some accuracy. I felt better after looking at what I can do rather than what I can't.

I decided before going to sleep that today will be a better day. I will look for a covered parking garage where I can practice cross overs and some of the falls that I haven't done in a while. And if I can't skate today, I'm going to accept that too. I need to keep skating fun, and the kids are an excellent reminder of that.

Doubt, Exhaustion, Pride

Yesterday was Day 2 of boot camp. I survived the last one, emerged sore but more enthusiastic than my I was before (if that's possible). I had some champion bruises to show for it. One on my knee, another on my calf that wrapped around to my shin, and the trophy: A great big butt bruise. For the sake of honesty, I should share that I bruise really easily...this should be interesting.

The next day, I had a personal training session at the gym. I realized that each of my sessions just happens to be scheduled to happen the day following boot camp. I wondered if that was really such a good idea, but my trainer said it's actually perfect. He gets to work on training me to use the right muscles when my muscles are already exhausted so that I don't resort to using my ankles for stability when I'm tired. That's just one way ankles get broken, and I'd rather not do that. So I worked out my already-exhausted body.

The following day, I took advantage of some extra rink time by practicing on my own on the sidelines while the team had their own practice. They do this every Thursday, but unfortunately, I'm not able to come every Thursday. I'm going to need to find somewhere else I can practice between our official practices. I ordered some outdoor wheels that should be arriving on Monday, which will allow me to practice on the bike path, parking lots, stuff like that, but I'd really like to find a smooth place like a basketball court where I can practice my falls and stops.

Anyhow, by yesterday, I was wondering if that extra skate time was really such a great idea. I was so incredibly sore. I was limping up the stairs, struggling to get in and out of chairs. I walked around the trail by our house hoping that some movement would loosen me up a bit before practice. Still sore. I started to have doubts. Can I do this? Being this sore, how can I expect to get up off the ground after falling, if I can't even get up from a chair? I started to dread practice. I got a knot in my stomach.

Matt and the girls dropped me off. There was no turning back. I can't even remember all the things we worked on...skating on one foot, T-stops, plow-stops, the dreaded core exercises (yes, I used to think I had a strong core). I kept moving the whole time. The Betties were there to help out and correct what we were doing wrong. I got a lot of feedback, which I really appreciated. I think what was most helpful was that they weren't actually telling me what I was doing wrong (I already knew I was doing it wrong), but what I needed to do in order to do it better. I love learning about correct form, but actually applying it is the challenge here. These are muscles I never knew I had, let alone had to use. I've been doing single-leg squats for the past year, yet I'm learning that my butt has a lot of...well, growing to do. Looking at the Betties, they have amazing butts. I can only hope that mine will be half as strong as theirs.

Much of the feedback I received was that the moves would be easier if I were moving faster. It makes sense, but I think my body equates moving faster to falling faster (and harder). I didn't fall in practice yesterday. Looking back, I might have been too cautious, but the bruises (mostly the one on my butt) were begging me not to fall on them again. Falling isn't the end of the world. I did it repeatedly last time, I could have managed a few falls this time. So my goal on Tuesday it to skate faster even if it means I fall, but especially if it means I can pull off the moves better.

I realized yesterday that my biggest challenge is me. I'm used to doing everything I do WELL. While I don't shy away from trying new things, I often feel frustrated when I can't do it well. I remember the same frustration when I started my current job. Being a crisis counselor takes some settling in to, as does roller derby. I need to learn to be patient with myself and allow myself to screw up on occasion (sometimes repeatedly).

Matt showed up about half-way through practice to watch and take some video for my dear old dad whose own ability to have adventures is currently limited by illness. I noticed that in each video, I was a smiling fool. If I ever get on the team, how fierce can I really look if I'm grinning the whole time?



Afterward, Matt told me that he was talking to the girls about activities they might like to participate in. Kate, who is 7, asked how old do you have to be to join a roller derby team? She already has a name in mind, and thought it would be cool to have a kids league that just skates around instead of knocking each other down. <3

When I got home, I was the most exhausted I can ever remember being. Looking at the video, it doesn't look like I was working that hard, but I know I was. Skating for two hours is tough, especially when I'm using muscles that aren't there yet. Once I got home, I was in bed by 6:30 pm, asleep by 8:00. I tired to wake up a few times, since it's rare that Matt and I have a day off together, but I just couldn't. My eyes wouldn't stay open and my words came out sounding drunk.

I'm proud that I went even though I didn't think I could. I'm proud that I could push myself so hard that I would re-define exhaustion. And I'm proud that I could inspire Kate.