I'm Taking the Family With Me

Last week, Matt and I took the girls to the skating rink for their first time on skates, ever. We thought it would be best to start them out with some lessons, rather than just putting them on wheels and sending them off. I know that kids don't really need lessons to be able to learn new things, but we thought it might help with the frustration factor.

To be honest, I was really anxious, watching them fall on their butts over and over. No, I wasn't really worried that they'd hurt themselves, my anxiety was more out of hope that it would be something they could enjoy. These girls are really good at forming their own opinions about things and I was kind of worried that one or both of them would decide that they don't like skating. I have to admit that I was invested in them enjoying skating.

After that first 45 minute lesson, they were tired and their feet were hot. We left after that instead of staying for open skate.

The next day, we went back to the rink for a cousin's birthday part. I think the lesson helped after all, because the girls were instantly in skate heaven. We were there for almost three hours and even when we saw that their eyes were at half mast out of exhaustion, we still had to convince them that it was time to go. They're hooked. Their investment is different than mine, but now we're in it together. Not only that, but Matt now wants some skates and is setting a goal to do roller derby boot camp next year. He's intimiadated by our workouts, but has been following along with my home exercises to prepare himself for the ass kicking that he anticipates next year.

Kate's zombie stance (Braaaiiins!)

Molly working her derby stance, while Matt wishes he was on skates

Yes, obsession is contageous, and now I've got my whole family in it.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling with keeping my obsession a positive one. It's hard to keep my skill level separate from my self-confidence level. When I do well on the track, I feel great. When I don't, my confidence plummets. It becomes so much easier to focus on what I can't do than what I can do, and I bring myself down.

Everything about roller derby is so far outside my comfort zone. After a particularly bad string of self-depricating comments, Matt gave me one of his pep talks and reminded me that I've doing something I've never even come close to attempting before. This whole business of losing weight and getting fit...I've done that before. It's wasn't an easy task, but it was a familiar one. I've never been an athlete before. I've never been on a sports team or even wanted to be on a sports team. Someone recently asked me, is roller derby training hard? It's just about the hardest physical thing I've ever put my body through on purpose. Emotionally, it's not the hardests thing I've been through, but it is new and unfamiliar. I want this so badly that sometimes I put myself in a bad mood. That's not good.

Yesterday was one of those days. It's raining buckets and supposed to keep raining. That means no outdoor skating and no regular practice on our outdoor track. Under normal conditions, I would accept that Santa Barbarans have no place to complain about the weather. We have gorgeous weather all year, and when it rains, it's welcome. Except now that I want to skate. It turned my mood yesterday, even though I got to go to the rink and skate with the kids. I skated slowly alongside them, encouraging their zombie stance and used the opportunity to practice my derby stance (squatting position) the whole way around the track. I yearned for some speed, and made a couple of loops around the track on my own, but it wasn't the same as the ass whooping I normally get at practice. I'm an addict and I was without my fix. I ended up missing the alternatively scheduled practice in a conference room doing plyometrics, so I came home and did my own workout, but it just wasn't the same.

I went to bed last night still grumbling. Matt had me look up a list of the skills that I'll need to pass the assessments in a few weeks. It helped because I could see on paper that I am capable of doing most of the skills, even if I can't do the perfectly. There are a few skills that are just beyond my reach, but many of them are things that I can do with some accuracy. I felt better after looking at what I can do rather than what I can't.

I decided before going to sleep that today will be a better day. I will look for a covered parking garage where I can practice cross overs and some of the falls that I haven't done in a while. And if I can't skate today, I'm going to accept that too. I need to keep skating fun, and the kids are an excellent reminder of that.

Whip It!

To start out, I'd like to be honest about something.  Drew Barrymore's movie Whip It did NOT inspire me to try roller derby.  In fact, I didn't watch it until, after attending a bout in October, I scoured the internet for All Things Derby.  Yes, my first exposure to roller derby was the Mission City Brawlin' Betties v. Bakersfield Diamond Divas.  I left that bout thinking, "Those girls are rock stars.  I wish I could do that."

Last night we did whips.  It was just about the most fun I've had at practice so far, and I didn't suck at it horribly.  Whips are basically where you're transferring all of the forward motion of one skater into another skater (the jammer).  We also skated around trying to push each other down.  I loved it!

Reading over my blogs, I seem to be on a confidence roller coaster.  Practice is that way too.  Yesterday I was dreading practice, not because I'm afraid of falling or getting hurt, but because I don't like feeling like I suck.  All day, I thought to myself, "Why am I going to practice knowing that I'll leave feeling crappy about myself?"  Of course, I was wrong.  The feeling crappy about myself bit comes from me, not from practice.  Last night I left feeling pretty incredible.

I think what it comes down to is that I'm good at some things and not so good at others.  Duh, right?  Except that I'm used to being able to be good at whatever I put my mind to.  No, I'm not perfect by any means.  Far from it actually.  Some things just aren't worth putting my mind to and so I continue sucking at them.  But most of the time, when something matters to me a lot, I can at least eek out a reasonable amount of skill.  Skating is different because some of it requires muscles and flexibility I don't have yet, and some of the more agile moves are just beyond me.  I feel like my strength is in my ability to get low, engage my core, and stay stable.  I discovered that yesterday while doing pushes and whips.  No, I'm not a star pupil, but I was in my element.  I can't wait until we actually start blocking.  I think my hips were made for blocking.

We also did speed drills yesterday.  I'm not fast enough to pass assessments yet, but I was somewhere in the middle of the group.  Before I write about the speed drill yesterday, I have to share another story.

On Sunday, I went to a kids birthday party at the skating rink, and spent the whole time practicing.  It's awkward practicing skills that require me to fall in that kind of setting, because hardly anyone else is falling, but I did go down on a knee a few times.  Anyhow, when it comes to the organized races, I got off the track.  I did not need to embarrass myself like that.  Until my family started taunting me.  I saw my brothers in law get out there for the race, and somehow I decided that I needed to at least beat them.  Which I did :)  I finished somewhere in the middle of the group, not the fastest, not the slowest.  I did not do crossovers during the race because I'm not quite confident enough with them yet.  Part of the problem is that crossovers make me go so freakin' fast that I feel like I don't have much control over the turn.  I was proud of myself for getting out there though, and I didn't do a face plant like my brother in law did, hehe.

Anyhow, back to the speed drills.  We did as many laps as we could in 5 minutes.  At the end of the 5 minutes, I should have been spent, but I still had some energy left in me.  It's good to know that I've got endurance (running pays off!), but in order to go faster, I need to feel more comfortable on my feet, err, skates.  I need to feel like I have control over my turns even when I'm going fast.

I'm getting my family addicted to skating, but this blog is long enough already, and I'll save it for another blog.

Also, I should note that I learned how to change my blog settings and now anyone can leave a comment, even if you're not a registered user.  I love comments.  Just sayin'.

I'm Back!

I'm back in Santa Barbara after an unplanned trip to Washington to spend time with family.  As I blogged before, I brought my skate bag and outdoor wheels with me and did my thing in an empty parking lot more days than not. One one occasion, I had both parents join me to see what I was up to.  Here are some photos from that.

Yesterday was my first day back to my routine and I wasn't feeling very chipper.  The week had been emotionally exhausting for me and my head wasn't quite on straight.  I muddled through my workday and didn't feel like my usual self.  I haven't been sleeping and I think that added to it.  I was also really REALLY stressed about getting back on the track for my first practice in what feels like a really long time.  In reality I think it was just two weeks, but a lot can happen in two weeks.  I somehow imagined that I would come back and all the other girls would have mastered all the skills that I was flailing at on my own.

Skating practice on my own is nothing like doing it with the group.  I try to push myself, but when the muscles start burning, I usually decide "that's enough for now."  With the Betties, my muscles are burning and the whistle is still blowing, and I keep going. 

Anyhow, despite feeling disoriented, distant, and doubtful, I went to practice.  IT.  WAS.  AWESOME.

Now I can't say that I came back being an awesome skater, but I found some confidence.  I fell a few times while warming up and the falls were nice and fluffy--no pain.  That kind of fall is good, because it reminds me that falling isn't quite as scary as I remember.  I practiced my stops and discovered that I can do a T-stop!  The stops are really hard to practice on asphalt with outdoor wheels, so I felt like a loser when I was trying to do them in my favorite parking lot, but back on the track, I could do it!  I'm still working on the plow stops, but I think I understand the mechanics of it now and just have to get my body to do it.

I practiced skating with a pack, weaving in and out of teammates (something that I was sure I wasn't ready to do yet), and speed.  I surprised myself by having the balls to try things that seemed way beyond my skill level, and actually being able to do it!  Not well, of course, but doing it well will come later.  I think that's what I was missing while I was gone--the ability to push past my comfort zone.

I left the track feeling alive and giddy.  Sweaty too, but mostly giddy.

I'll leave you with an old photo of me, I must have been about ten years old here, skating on the street in front of our house.

Why Roller Derby?

Earlier this month, I attended my first roller derby bout ever. I was impressed. Hot chicks getting cheered on for being badasses and looking hot while knocking each other down.

"I want to be one of them," I said under my breath.

My husband, who knows how to get under my skin, told me, "It would be awesome if you did roller derby, but I don't think you will." OH YEAH?

Next week is the orientation for Betty Boot Camp with the Mission City Brawlin' Betties. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about the reasons why roller derby just might be my thing. So here's my list.

• I've lost over 95 pounds in the past year and a half (so close to 100!). There's an athlete inside me. I've been working on building my strength, especially my core for balance, over the past year. It's almost as if I've been preparing all year in order to keep my balance on skates while being knocked around by other women.
• I need a new fitness outlet. I have been working on running, but have been plagued by over-training issues. Having a new sport just might help me back of from running enough so that I can recover. Plus, skating is faster than running.
• I need an outlet for all my anxiety and angst. I've realized over the past few years that I hold a huge amount of anxiety. I struggle to let it go. I have a pretty stressful job as a crisis counselor and could stand to incorporate some good-spirited aggression into my routine. I need to be able to roar every once in a while.
• I could use a boost in confidence. No, that's an understatement. I need to harness the colossal badass that is lurking within. My colossal badass withdrew after a gruesome divorce and left a pretty evil depression in its place. I've gotten past all that, but my badass hasn't quite returned. I need a litte less "will that be ok?" and a little more "screw you, bitches!" in my life.
• Pushing girls down is my default mode of aggression. No, it's not something I do, but it's definitely my most common fantasy. Walking down the sidewalk and having a crowd of skinny chicks in their Uggs and designer sunglasses walk straight into me as if I'm invisible or should have gotten out of their way...well that inspires fantasies of just knocking them all down. Bowling for blondes. Roller derby would be a socially acceptable way of knocking girls down, only they would be girls who could take it.

So there ya go. I'm made for it. Sort of. Because the flip side of all that is that I'm scared shitless. No, I'm not scared of falling, I'm not scared of hard work. I know that physically, I'm a badass. Socially...well we'll see. It's not that I'm not easy to get along with, it just goes back to that whole confidence thing. I haven't spent a lot of time hanging out with a bunch of girls outside of work and I don't feel very cool. I'm not fashionably quirky or punk. I take fashion advice from my husband. I'm kind of a dork. I'm often so overly enthusiastic that I just shut up so that I won't embarrass myself.

However, I'd like to have more of a social life. I'd like to have an excuse to wear fishnets. I'd like to have some bruises of honor because I've pushed myself just that far.

There's no turning back now. I signed up. I bought my gear. I wear my skates and pads around the house while I do dishes and make breakfast. Because there's a badass in here somewhere.