Delays

Yesterday I made an unplanned trip up to Washington State to help out with a family emergency. Naturally, I brought my skate bag in hopes that I'll get some practice time, as I'll be missing practice for I don't know how long.

As it turns out, my hometown of Port Townsend has much better and much emptier parking lots than Santa Barbara. I managed to get some practice today but felt discouraged.

First of all, I'm discouraged that I'm missing practice, though I'm not the slightest bit regretful about my decision to come to Washington. We haven't had skating practice on the track for the past week and a half due to scheduling issues (apparently horse shows get priority over roller derby boot camp). I've done my best to get some practice on the side, but I just can't push myself the way the Betties can. There's no whistle, no Betties making suggestions about how to improve my form, and of course, no one practicing along side me. Our normal practices are two hours, but I'm struggling to practice skills on my own for more than 30 minutes.

Some of my frustration is that I'm so much more afraid of falling when I'm off the track. I don't know why this is. I was thinking it was because I don't want to fall publicly, but the place I found to skate here is rather private and I'm still afraid of falling. I fell deliberately a few times to make sure I knew that I could handle it. I handled it. But still, falling accidentally is stressful for me. I need to get over this, and quickly. I think part of it is that it's much harder to fall when I don't have the comraderie of all the other boot campers falling alongside me.

I'm getting the crossovers down, at least counter-clockwise. Are we supposed to be able to do it clockwise? I don't know. I need to get better at stops which is hard to practice on outdoor wheels with an only sort-of-smooth surface. I am struggling to roll on one foot. I can do it on my left foot, but not my right and it's pissing me off. I was doing tiny little jumps today and feeling more confident with it. I'm afraid to practice the "drunken sailor" move that led to my strained hamstring a couple of weeks ago.

Basically, I'm frustrated by my skill level and frustrated by my mind holding me back. I need to get over this, and it's an extra challenge to be trying to get over it by myself without the benefit of practicing with the Betties. I had a particularly whiny moment today when I wondered if I'm really cut out for roller derby. I know I'm dealing with a lot and I need to be patient with myself. I need to accept that I may not be ready to pass the assessments the first time it's offered; there will be future opportunities. I'm just going to keep doing what I can, practicing when I can, and doing my strength-training workouts.