There was a skating rink here in my hometown when I was growing up, and I spent many an afternoon skating my heart out to Survivor, Pat Benetar, and AC/DC. Sadly, the skating rink has since been turned into a church. I sometimes wonder if the concrete floor with the bumpy, flakey, blue paint is still there, underneath the pews and probably some carpet. I now refer to the skating rink as the holy roller rink, even though it is no more.
My devotion brought me not to a church, but a parking lot. It must be devotion, because nothing else would have brought me out in the damp, windy, 40-degree weather. I'm still in Washington due to a family emergency and have to make do with practicing on my own. The parking lot is actually serving me quite well. I use the parking spaces to practice weaving. I have an imaginary track made up of random paint markings on the ground. I practiced going around and around as quickly as I could without falling over. I also found a straightaway bike path where I could work on speed as well as dodging debris left by the winds.
The frustration I had the other day is dissipating. I am pushing on. I had a better practice today. Even though I don't feel like I am mastering any specific skills, I do feel like I'm all-around more comfortable on skates. I'll get this eventually.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Delays
Yesterday I made an unplanned trip up to Washington State to help out with a family emergency. Naturally, I brought my skate bag in hopes that I'll get some practice time, as I'll be missing practice for I don't know how long.
As it turns out, my hometown of Port Townsend has much better and much emptier parking lots than Santa Barbara. I managed to get some practice today but felt discouraged.
First of all, I'm discouraged that I'm missing practice, though I'm not the slightest bit regretful about my decision to come to Washington. We haven't had skating practice on the track for the past week and a half due to scheduling issues (apparently horse shows get priority over roller derby boot camp). I've done my best to get some practice on the side, but I just can't push myself the way the Betties can. There's no whistle, no Betties making suggestions about how to improve my form, and of course, no one practicing along side me. Our normal practices are two hours, but I'm struggling to practice skills on my own for more than 30 minutes.
Some of my frustration is that I'm so much more afraid of falling when I'm off the track. I don't know why this is. I was thinking it was because I don't want to fall publicly, but the place I found to skate here is rather private and I'm still afraid of falling. I fell deliberately a few times to make sure I knew that I could handle it. I handled it. But still, falling accidentally is stressful for me. I need to get over this, and quickly. I think part of it is that it's much harder to fall when I don't have the comraderie of all the other boot campers falling alongside me.
I'm getting the crossovers down, at least counter-clockwise. Are we supposed to be able to do it clockwise? I don't know. I need to get better at stops which is hard to practice on outdoor wheels with an only sort-of-smooth surface. I am struggling to roll on one foot. I can do it on my left foot, but not my right and it's pissing me off. I was doing tiny little jumps today and feeling more confident with it. I'm afraid to practice the "drunken sailor" move that led to my strained hamstring a couple of weeks ago.
Basically, I'm frustrated by my skill level and frustrated by my mind holding me back. I need to get over this, and it's an extra challenge to be trying to get over it by myself without the benefit of practicing with the Betties. I had a particularly whiny moment today when I wondered if I'm really cut out for roller derby. I know I'm dealing with a lot and I need to be patient with myself. I need to accept that I may not be ready to pass the assessments the first time it's offered; there will be future opportunities. I'm just going to keep doing what I can, practicing when I can, and doing my strength-training workouts.
As it turns out, my hometown of Port Townsend has much better and much emptier parking lots than Santa Barbara. I managed to get some practice today but felt discouraged.
First of all, I'm discouraged that I'm missing practice, though I'm not the slightest bit regretful about my decision to come to Washington. We haven't had skating practice on the track for the past week and a half due to scheduling issues (apparently horse shows get priority over roller derby boot camp). I've done my best to get some practice on the side, but I just can't push myself the way the Betties can. There's no whistle, no Betties making suggestions about how to improve my form, and of course, no one practicing along side me. Our normal practices are two hours, but I'm struggling to practice skills on my own for more than 30 minutes.
Some of my frustration is that I'm so much more afraid of falling when I'm off the track. I don't know why this is. I was thinking it was because I don't want to fall publicly, but the place I found to skate here is rather private and I'm still afraid of falling. I fell deliberately a few times to make sure I knew that I could handle it. I handled it. But still, falling accidentally is stressful for me. I need to get over this, and quickly. I think part of it is that it's much harder to fall when I don't have the comraderie of all the other boot campers falling alongside me.
I'm getting the crossovers down, at least counter-clockwise. Are we supposed to be able to do it clockwise? I don't know. I need to get better at stops which is hard to practice on outdoor wheels with an only sort-of-smooth surface. I am struggling to roll on one foot. I can do it on my left foot, but not my right and it's pissing me off. I was doing tiny little jumps today and feeling more confident with it. I'm afraid to practice the "drunken sailor" move that led to my strained hamstring a couple of weeks ago.
Basically, I'm frustrated by my skill level and frustrated by my mind holding me back. I need to get over this, and it's an extra challenge to be trying to get over it by myself without the benefit of practicing with the Betties. I had a particularly whiny moment today when I wondered if I'm really cut out for roller derby. I know I'm dealing with a lot and I need to be patient with myself. I need to accept that I may not be ready to pass the assessments the first time it's offered; there will be future opportunities. I'm just going to keep doing what I can, practicing when I can, and doing my strength-training workouts.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
My Mended Heart
When I was writing my very first blog ("Why Roller Derby?"), I somehow forgot one of the reasons that I'm training for roller derby. I covered the areas of fitness, confidence, etc., but forgot to mention a really big reason; my heart works. About eight months ago, I learned that I had a congenital heart defect. I was born with a hole in my heart which was making my heart work harder and less efficiently than it should have. This led to enlargement of the chambers of my heart and, I learned, made cardio workouts more difficult.
Six months ago, I had a procedure to patch up the hole. A device was placed in my heart though a catheter in my groin. When the cardiologist went to place the device, he discovered that the hole was larger than was first believed (1.7 cm) and he had to use the largest size of the device we had picked out.
Today I went back for my six month check up. They injected saline with very small bubbles into my vein so that they could monitor with ultrasound whether any of the bubbles could get past the device, which would indicate that the blood can flow backwards through the chambers of my heart. This backwards blood flow causes extra strain and can lead to enlargement of the heart. The backwards blood flow is suspected to be tied with certain kinds of migraines.
Before injecting the bubbles, the doctor told me that it's quite common for some bubbles to get through, and would not be unexpected considering the size of my defect. The bubbles were injected, and not a single one crossed over into the other chamber! Not only that, but the chambers of my heart have returned to a normal size. The doctor seemed to be just as excited about the result as I was. He said he might ask me to come in for additional studies just to help out with his research on these kinds of repairs (which I would gladly do--he's an incredible doctor and I'm very grateful for his care).
I told him about my decrease in migraines and improvement in fitness (another benefit of a fixed up heart). I told him that I was training for roller derby and had stopped taking blood thinners because the bruises would have been ridiculous. He agreed with my decision to stop blood thinners and was excited to hear about my roller derby endeavors. He said he loves to see the outcome of his work and asked for a ticket to a bout when I'm ready to start playing for real (I'll totally get him one). He repeated what he had told me at my three month check up:
"Don't hold back--go all out!"
And I will. Because I can.
Six months ago, I had a procedure to patch up the hole. A device was placed in my heart though a catheter in my groin. When the cardiologist went to place the device, he discovered that the hole was larger than was first believed (1.7 cm) and he had to use the largest size of the device we had picked out.
Today I went back for my six month check up. They injected saline with very small bubbles into my vein so that they could monitor with ultrasound whether any of the bubbles could get past the device, which would indicate that the blood can flow backwards through the chambers of my heart. This backwards blood flow causes extra strain and can lead to enlargement of the heart. The backwards blood flow is suspected to be tied with certain kinds of migraines.
Before injecting the bubbles, the doctor told me that it's quite common for some bubbles to get through, and would not be unexpected considering the size of my defect. The bubbles were injected, and not a single one crossed over into the other chamber! Not only that, but the chambers of my heart have returned to a normal size. The doctor seemed to be just as excited about the result as I was. He said he might ask me to come in for additional studies just to help out with his research on these kinds of repairs (which I would gladly do--he's an incredible doctor and I'm very grateful for his care).
I told him about my decrease in migraines and improvement in fitness (another benefit of a fixed up heart). I told him that I was training for roller derby and had stopped taking blood thinners because the bruises would have been ridiculous. He agreed with my decision to stop blood thinners and was excited to hear about my roller derby endeavors. He said he loves to see the outcome of his work and asked for a ticket to a bout when I'm ready to start playing for real (I'll totally get him one). He repeated what he had told me at my three month check up:
"Don't hold back--go all out!"
And I will. Because I can.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Conquering the Dreaded Parking Garage
I consider myself to be a strong, intelligent woman. Parking garages, however, are my kryptonite. While I definitely have a silly "duh" side of me, parking garages bring out an entirely new level of stupidity. I think it's an actual learning disability, so rare that it doesn't have a name.
As soon as I enter a parking garage, I lose all sense of direction. You've probably heard of people trapped in avalanches who become so disoriented that they don't know which way to dig to get out of the snow, and dig themselves deeper. That is me in a parking garage. There are suddenly no landmarks. Everything looks the same. Not only do I lose a sense of what floor I'm on and where the exit is, I actually lose the ability to identify where in the city I am. I could be in ANY parking garage because they all look the same from the inside.
My excuse is that I grew up in a town without parking garages, but I probably use that excuse to cover up my suspicion that my brain just doesn't work in that area. A mouse in a maze could find itself out more quickly than I can find my way out of a parking garage. I have learned some tricks though...keep turning right...go down (Usually. Once I was in an underground parking garage and it was horrible) ...follow the arrows...make each turn with the deliberate confidence of someone who knows where she's going, so as to fool others into believing I know where I'm going. I've been getting better.
Tonight, I had the opportunity to face off with a parking garage and win. I skated all over one.
There's a parking garage in Santa Barbara that for some reason, everyone hates. I haven't lived here long enough to know why, but it's the "new" parking garage that people seem to boycott just because it's stupid. Like I said, I don't know why, but for that reason, I've hardly been in it myself. It has an upstairs and a downstairs, which makes it particularly dangerous to someone like me. It was suggested to me that the roof of a parking garage is a good place to practice skating. I haven't skated nearly as much as I would have liked to this week, so tonight was the night.
I headed downtown after dark, under a nearly full moon. Made my way to the parking garage that everyone hates, and got to the roof. When I got to the top, I was more than pleased. It was smooth. Mostly flat. No gravel. Well lit. And empty (because everyone hates it).
So I went to work, warming up, practicing cross overs, "jumps" (if you consider a jump to be 1/2 inch of air), sticky feet, and even a few butt falls on purpose so I'd get over my fear of falling. By the end, that parking garage and I had a new relationship and I no longer have reason to avoid it.
And that is how I conquered the dreaded parking garage.
As soon as I enter a parking garage, I lose all sense of direction. You've probably heard of people trapped in avalanches who become so disoriented that they don't know which way to dig to get out of the snow, and dig themselves deeper. That is me in a parking garage. There are suddenly no landmarks. Everything looks the same. Not only do I lose a sense of what floor I'm on and where the exit is, I actually lose the ability to identify where in the city I am. I could be in ANY parking garage because they all look the same from the inside.
My excuse is that I grew up in a town without parking garages, but I probably use that excuse to cover up my suspicion that my brain just doesn't work in that area. A mouse in a maze could find itself out more quickly than I can find my way out of a parking garage. I have learned some tricks though...keep turning right...go down (Usually. Once I was in an underground parking garage and it was horrible) ...follow the arrows...make each turn with the deliberate confidence of someone who knows where she's going, so as to fool others into believing I know where I'm going. I've been getting better.
Tonight, I had the opportunity to face off with a parking garage and win. I skated all over one.
There's a parking garage in Santa Barbara that for some reason, everyone hates. I haven't lived here long enough to know why, but it's the "new" parking garage that people seem to boycott just because it's stupid. Like I said, I don't know why, but for that reason, I've hardly been in it myself. It has an upstairs and a downstairs, which makes it particularly dangerous to someone like me. It was suggested to me that the roof of a parking garage is a good place to practice skating. I haven't skated nearly as much as I would have liked to this week, so tonight was the night.
I headed downtown after dark, under a nearly full moon. Made my way to the parking garage that everyone hates, and got to the roof. When I got to the top, I was more than pleased. It was smooth. Mostly flat. No gravel. Well lit. And empty (because everyone hates it).
So I went to work, warming up, practicing cross overs, "jumps" (if you consider a jump to be 1/2 inch of air), sticky feet, and even a few butt falls on purpose so I'd get over my fear of falling. By the end, that parking garage and I had a new relationship and I no longer have reason to avoid it.
And that is how I conquered the dreaded parking garage.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Yes, I'm addicted and having skating withdrawals already.
I didn't realize I'd become so addicted so quickly. I'm jonesing for some skating practice but have gotten derailed over the past few days.
On Tuesday, I strained a quad muscle and decided a needed a couple days of rest from my skates. Somehow I thought a couple of days meant that I wouldn't skate all day Wednesday, and then Thursday morning I'd be fine. I packed up all my gear, put my outdoor wheels on, and found a parking lot to practice in.
Ouch...
Within 5 minutes, I realized my muscle was not back to normal yet. I was so ready to practice that I didn't give myself enough time. I decided I needed a little more rest.
Yesterday I had fantasies about going to the skating rink. I heard that some of the girls were heading to Skating Plus to get some extra practice but a couple of things got in my way. Work turned out to last longer than I planned, and I spent the whole day feeling under the weather. By the time I got off work, it was almost 9 PM. I came home and was asleep by 10. Being a grown up sucks (sometimes). I miss the days when I can run myself into the ground and keep going.
Today I missed practice entirely. I was determined to go, but realized that "under the weather" had taken a turn towards feeling kinda flu-ish. Boo!
All my talk about being determined to do this, get better at skating, push myself beyond my limits---it's still there, but I definitely struggle with knowing when to keep pushing myself and when to back off. I don't want to hurt myself by overdoing it (as I learned with running I have a tendency to do), but I also don't want to wuss out when I have it in me.
For now, My skate bag, two sets of wheels, and my tools are waiting in my car for the first opportunity I get to roll around some more. In the meantime, maybe I'll practice changing out my wheels and bearings because it shouldn't take me 30+ minutes each time I want to go from indoor to outdoor wheels and back.
On Tuesday, I strained a quad muscle and decided a needed a couple days of rest from my skates. Somehow I thought a couple of days meant that I wouldn't skate all day Wednesday, and then Thursday morning I'd be fine. I packed up all my gear, put my outdoor wheels on, and found a parking lot to practice in.
Ouch...
Within 5 minutes, I realized my muscle was not back to normal yet. I was so ready to practice that I didn't give myself enough time. I decided I needed a little more rest.
Yesterday I had fantasies about going to the skating rink. I heard that some of the girls were heading to Skating Plus to get some extra practice but a couple of things got in my way. Work turned out to last longer than I planned, and I spent the whole day feeling under the weather. By the time I got off work, it was almost 9 PM. I came home and was asleep by 10. Being a grown up sucks (sometimes). I miss the days when I can run myself into the ground and keep going.
Today I missed practice entirely. I was determined to go, but realized that "under the weather" had taken a turn towards feeling kinda flu-ish. Boo!
All my talk about being determined to do this, get better at skating, push myself beyond my limits---it's still there, but I definitely struggle with knowing when to keep pushing myself and when to back off. I don't want to hurt myself by overdoing it (as I learned with running I have a tendency to do), but I also don't want to wuss out when I have it in me.
For now, My skate bag, two sets of wheels, and my tools are waiting in my car for the first opportunity I get to roll around some more. In the meantime, maybe I'll practice changing out my wheels and bearings because it shouldn't take me 30+ minutes each time I want to go from indoor to outdoor wheels and back.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
My first (minor) ouch!
Yesterday I hit up the Ventura skating rink for some extra practice. I went by myself which was intimidating, but I did it anyhow. I skated for close to an hour, practicing cross over steps (which I've only observed but hadn't learned yet) and weaving in and out of little kids flying in every direction. As (un)luck should have it, the night I went was also the night that an elementary school was doing some kind of fundraiser there, so it was packed. Oh well, at least I got some skating time in. I feel like I'm getting more comfortable on wheels and maybe even a bit faster, too.
Tonight was day three of boot camp. I was determined to skate harder than this past Saturday. I skated my butt off on Saturday, mind you, but managed not to fall down, even once. My thoughts today were that I needed to push myself to the point of falling. If I wasn't risking a fall, I wasn't trying the moves hard enough.
Tonight, I managed to fall down several times. I was reminded how easy it is to fall on my knee pads, and that it doesn't hurt. I love my knee pads! I got more confident. I was practicing a move intended for very coordinated people called the "drunken sailor" when I fell in a not so pretty way. The fall itself didn't hurt me, but my already cramping muscles were unhappy about it, and I immediately got a cramp in my calf. When I stood up, I realized my quad muscles were also pissed off. I tried some light stretching and tried to skate it off, but one of the Betties noticed I was struggling with the cross overs (oddly enough, the move I'd been practicing the night before). When I told her I was having some muscle pain, she recommended that I sit out the rest of practice and ice it.
No biggie really. This, I'm sure, is the first of many. I hate feeling like I'm wimping out, but I also know better than to keep pushing myself through an injury (running injuries taught me that lesson. Twice). The part that pisses me off the most is just that I now have to rest. I had big plans tomorrow to go for a run or possibly try out my shiny new outdoor wheels (they are so pretty!), and then to go to a personal training session. The derby girls recommended that I ice and rest for 48 hours. Boo! But I will because it's easier to get better now than to get better after I hurt myself worse. I'm going to call my trainer tomorrow to see if he thinks it would be better to cancel my session or if we can work around a pulled muscle.
The part that I'm proud of is that two years ago, I would have loved an excuse to rest. Now being active is fun for me and much of my free time is scheduled around fitness activities I can do. I've come a long way.
Tonight was day three of boot camp. I was determined to skate harder than this past Saturday. I skated my butt off on Saturday, mind you, but managed not to fall down, even once. My thoughts today were that I needed to push myself to the point of falling. If I wasn't risking a fall, I wasn't trying the moves hard enough.
Tonight, I managed to fall down several times. I was reminded how easy it is to fall on my knee pads, and that it doesn't hurt. I love my knee pads! I got more confident. I was practicing a move intended for very coordinated people called the "drunken sailor" when I fell in a not so pretty way. The fall itself didn't hurt me, but my already cramping muscles were unhappy about it, and I immediately got a cramp in my calf. When I stood up, I realized my quad muscles were also pissed off. I tried some light stretching and tried to skate it off, but one of the Betties noticed I was struggling with the cross overs (oddly enough, the move I'd been practicing the night before). When I told her I was having some muscle pain, she recommended that I sit out the rest of practice and ice it.
No biggie really. This, I'm sure, is the first of many. I hate feeling like I'm wimping out, but I also know better than to keep pushing myself through an injury (running injuries taught me that lesson. Twice). The part that pisses me off the most is just that I now have to rest. I had big plans tomorrow to go for a run or possibly try out my shiny new outdoor wheels (they are so pretty!), and then to go to a personal training session. The derby girls recommended that I ice and rest for 48 hours. Boo! But I will because it's easier to get better now than to get better after I hurt myself worse. I'm going to call my trainer tomorrow to see if he thinks it would be better to cancel my session or if we can work around a pulled muscle.
The part that I'm proud of is that two years ago, I would have loved an excuse to rest. Now being active is fun for me and much of my free time is scheduled around fitness activities I can do. I've come a long way.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Doubt, Exhaustion, Pride
Yesterday was Day 2 of boot camp. I survived the last one, emerged sore but more enthusiastic than my I was before (if that's possible). I had some champion bruises to show for it. One on my knee, another on my calf that wrapped around to my shin, and the trophy: A great big butt bruise. For the sake of honesty, I should share that I bruise really easily...this should be interesting.
The next day, I had a personal training session at the gym. I realized that each of my sessions just happens to be scheduled to happen the day following boot camp. I wondered if that was really such a good idea, but my trainer said it's actually perfect. He gets to work on training me to use the right muscles when my muscles are already exhausted so that I don't resort to using my ankles for stability when I'm tired. That's just one way ankles get broken, and I'd rather not do that. So I worked out my already-exhausted body.
The following day, I took advantage of some extra rink time by practicing on my own on the sidelines while the team had their own practice. They do this every Thursday, but unfortunately, I'm not able to come every Thursday. I'm going to need to find somewhere else I can practice between our official practices. I ordered some outdoor wheels that should be arriving on Monday, which will allow me to practice on the bike path, parking lots, stuff like that, but I'd really like to find a smooth place like a basketball court where I can practice my falls and stops.
Anyhow, by yesterday, I was wondering if that extra skate time was really such a great idea. I was so incredibly sore. I was limping up the stairs, struggling to get in and out of chairs. I walked around the trail by our house hoping that some movement would loosen me up a bit before practice. Still sore. I started to have doubts. Can I do this? Being this sore, how can I expect to get up off the ground after falling, if I can't even get up from a chair? I started to dread practice. I got a knot in my stomach.
Matt and the girls dropped me off. There was no turning back. I can't even remember all the things we worked on...skating on one foot, T-stops, plow-stops, the dreaded core exercises (yes, I used to think I had a strong core). I kept moving the whole time. The Betties were there to help out and correct what we were doing wrong. I got a lot of feedback, which I really appreciated. I think what was most helpful was that they weren't actually telling me what I was doing wrong (I already knew I was doing it wrong), but what I needed to do in order to do it better. I love learning about correct form, but actually applying it is the challenge here. These are muscles I never knew I had, let alone had to use. I've been doing single-leg squats for the past year, yet I'm learning that my butt has a lot of...well, growing to do. Looking at the Betties, they have amazing butts. I can only hope that mine will be half as strong as theirs.
Much of the feedback I received was that the moves would be easier if I were moving faster. It makes sense, but I think my body equates moving faster to falling faster (and harder). I didn't fall in practice yesterday. Looking back, I might have been too cautious, but the bruises (mostly the one on my butt) were begging me not to fall on them again. Falling isn't the end of the world. I did it repeatedly last time, I could have managed a few falls this time. So my goal on Tuesday it to skate faster even if it means I fall, but especially if it means I can pull off the moves better.
I realized yesterday that my biggest challenge is me. I'm used to doing everything I do WELL. While I don't shy away from trying new things, I often feel frustrated when I can't do it well. I remember the same frustration when I started my current job. Being a crisis counselor takes some settling in to, as does roller derby. I need to learn to be patient with myself and allow myself to screw up on occasion (sometimes repeatedly).
Matt showed up about half-way through practice to watch and take some video for my dear old dad whose own ability to have adventures is currently limited by illness. I noticed that in each video, I was a smiling fool. If I ever get on the team, how fierce can I really look if I'm grinning the whole time?
Afterward, Matt told me that he was talking to the girls about activities they might like to participate in. Kate, who is 7, asked how old do you have to be to join a roller derby team? She already has a name in mind, and thought it would be cool to have a kids league that just skates around instead of knocking each other down. <3
When I got home, I was the most exhausted I can ever remember being. Looking at the video, it doesn't look like I was working that hard, but I know I was. Skating for two hours is tough, especially when I'm using muscles that aren't there yet. Once I got home, I was in bed by 6:30 pm, asleep by 8:00. I tired to wake up a few times, since it's rare that Matt and I have a day off together, but I just couldn't. My eyes wouldn't stay open and my words came out sounding drunk.
I'm proud that I went even though I didn't think I could. I'm proud that I could push myself so hard that I would re-define exhaustion. And I'm proud that I could inspire Kate.
The next day, I had a personal training session at the gym. I realized that each of my sessions just happens to be scheduled to happen the day following boot camp. I wondered if that was really such a good idea, but my trainer said it's actually perfect. He gets to work on training me to use the right muscles when my muscles are already exhausted so that I don't resort to using my ankles for stability when I'm tired. That's just one way ankles get broken, and I'd rather not do that. So I worked out my already-exhausted body.
The following day, I took advantage of some extra rink time by practicing on my own on the sidelines while the team had their own practice. They do this every Thursday, but unfortunately, I'm not able to come every Thursday. I'm going to need to find somewhere else I can practice between our official practices. I ordered some outdoor wheels that should be arriving on Monday, which will allow me to practice on the bike path, parking lots, stuff like that, but I'd really like to find a smooth place like a basketball court where I can practice my falls and stops.
Anyhow, by yesterday, I was wondering if that extra skate time was really such a great idea. I was so incredibly sore. I was limping up the stairs, struggling to get in and out of chairs. I walked around the trail by our house hoping that some movement would loosen me up a bit before practice. Still sore. I started to have doubts. Can I do this? Being this sore, how can I expect to get up off the ground after falling, if I can't even get up from a chair? I started to dread practice. I got a knot in my stomach.
Matt and the girls dropped me off. There was no turning back. I can't even remember all the things we worked on...skating on one foot, T-stops, plow-stops, the dreaded core exercises (yes, I used to think I had a strong core). I kept moving the whole time. The Betties were there to help out and correct what we were doing wrong. I got a lot of feedback, which I really appreciated. I think what was most helpful was that they weren't actually telling me what I was doing wrong (I already knew I was doing it wrong), but what I needed to do in order to do it better. I love learning about correct form, but actually applying it is the challenge here. These are muscles I never knew I had, let alone had to use. I've been doing single-leg squats for the past year, yet I'm learning that my butt has a lot of...well, growing to do. Looking at the Betties, they have amazing butts. I can only hope that mine will be half as strong as theirs.
Much of the feedback I received was that the moves would be easier if I were moving faster. It makes sense, but I think my body equates moving faster to falling faster (and harder). I didn't fall in practice yesterday. Looking back, I might have been too cautious, but the bruises (mostly the one on my butt) were begging me not to fall on them again. Falling isn't the end of the world. I did it repeatedly last time, I could have managed a few falls this time. So my goal on Tuesday it to skate faster even if it means I fall, but especially if it means I can pull off the moves better.
I realized yesterday that my biggest challenge is me. I'm used to doing everything I do WELL. While I don't shy away from trying new things, I often feel frustrated when I can't do it well. I remember the same frustration when I started my current job. Being a crisis counselor takes some settling in to, as does roller derby. I need to learn to be patient with myself and allow myself to screw up on occasion (sometimes repeatedly).
Matt showed up about half-way through practice to watch and take some video for my dear old dad whose own ability to have adventures is currently limited by illness. I noticed that in each video, I was a smiling fool. If I ever get on the team, how fierce can I really look if I'm grinning the whole time?
Afterward, Matt told me that he was talking to the girls about activities they might like to participate in. Kate, who is 7, asked how old do you have to be to join a roller derby team? She already has a name in mind, and thought it would be cool to have a kids league that just skates around instead of knocking each other down. <3
When I got home, I was the most exhausted I can ever remember being. Looking at the video, it doesn't look like I was working that hard, but I know I was. Skating for two hours is tough, especially when I'm using muscles that aren't there yet. Once I got home, I was in bed by 6:30 pm, asleep by 8:00. I tired to wake up a few times, since it's rare that Matt and I have a day off together, but I just couldn't. My eyes wouldn't stay open and my words came out sounding drunk.
I'm proud that I went even though I didn't think I could. I'm proud that I could push myself so hard that I would re-define exhaustion. And I'm proud that I could inspire Kate.
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